This page is for you, the alone and abandoned,
up against the world ever ready to swallow you up.1
For “[you], a stranger and afraid
In a world [you] never made.”2
You who have slipped into despair, been trapped there awhile,
and driven by prolonged by prolonged pain, perhaps even secretly wishing to die.
Being in despair is being trapped in a state of mind, in a conviction, like being under a spell. But a conviction is only that, not reality, no matter how, well, convincing and familiar it may be. I share these posts as a fellow sufferer, so I may be in no better position than you to say there is light at the end of of the tunnel. To hope, to not despair may be a no more valid position than to despair, but since both stand on an equal ground, I would go with what is more helpful. And since I’ve come to see that being in despair is a matter of conviction and habit, may these posts help break the spell.
My worldview and language are shaped by my main cultural background, Christianity; I do not, however, intend to waste time proselytizing, especially when I don’t yet know Truth. I think we have a more urgent work to do than joining a religious club: a life to keep, a life to live and live well, a life to marvel at.
A note about suicidality: despair is different from desperation. In reflecting on my thinking as I decided to end my life several years ago, a “failed” project obviously, I see that suicide is an act of desperation, not of despair. Planning and committing suicide are dynamic actions. Despair does not act. Despair makes one wallow, stagnate, unable to make changes. Someone could be well functioning and show up at work every day yet still be in despair about something. Desperation, on the other hand, contains a force that moves. In my view suicide is powered by that; it is one’s last attempt to assert control in an uncontrollable, unacceptable situation, to show the Big Universe who is ultimately boss.
A note on depression: Clinical depression, often a major factor of despair, is a separate issue and should be treated multifacetedly. This website is not equipped to address it.
All this said, if you are having a suicidal crisis and in the U.S., call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline), for more immediate help.
Also, read “Are You thinking of Killing Yourself?” and find resources here.
- Do all things for the sake of a higher power“Do all things for the sake of a higher power, and it will correctly guide your every step…. There is a god within every man… that finds his contact with the chief Engineer of this scenario… the Absolute God…”
- The Darkness of God“…let the dark come upon you which shall be the darkness of God…”. There is in God, some say, a deep but dazzling darkness…”.
- A time for everything“For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die;a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted;a time to kill and a time to heal;a time to break down and a time to build up;a time… Read more: A time for everything
- “May heaven consume you”This is a quote from a contemporary saint or “elder” in the Romanian Orthodox Church, Cleopa of the Sihastria Monastery. He was told to end his letters with this wish. It reminds me of other expressions of the same theme: ”Like a drop of water in the ocean” or “like a river merging into the… Read more: “May heaven consume you”
- A letter to my younger selfBut what if this nightmare does not end. What if, just like everything else, this peaceful, permanent sleep that you so much want right now, is also temporary.
- Love (III) by George HerbertLove bade me welcome. Yet my soul drew back Guilty of dust and sin. But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack From my first entrance in, Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning, If I lacked any thing. A guest, I answered, worthy to be here: Love said, You shall be he. I the unkind, ungrateful?… Read more: Love (III) by George Herbert
- I Have Happened“The first reason why I am interested in my identity is that I have happened. I have occurred, and I needn’t have occurred. I could have missed the bus of existence. Do you remember all those spermatozoa rushing to the ovum? I won’t go into the biodetails, but I turned out to be “me” on… Read more: I Have Happened
All the posts are here.
- John Wren-Lewis wrote that we “have been entranced from birth into a collective nightmare of separate individuals struggling in an alien universe for survival, satisfaction, and significance.” In “Unblocking a Malfunction in Consciousness” ↩︎
- From the poem “The Laws of God, The Laws of Man” by A.E. Housman (1859-1936) ↩︎