This page is for you who feel abandoned and alone
against an alien universe ever ready to swallow you up.1
For “[you], a stranger and afraid
In a world [you] never made,”2
who find yourself slipping into despair and trapped there,
perhaps even secretly wishing to die;
At the root of this despair is the gut conviction that upon our death nothing of us will remain,3 and this total annihilation somehow renders our present life (and everything else) meaningless. To us this meaninglessness seems a logical conclusion drawn from our potential disappearance. We live unknown in an indifferent world, so we think. This conviction runs so deep, below the control of the mind and the heart, that it conflicts with whatever religion or philosophical outlook we profess to embrace. To feel and think this way is to have lost sight of love (be it a loved one, a loved object, or a love concept) and the capacity to love.4
To despair and to have hope are both states of mind, and as such they stand on equal ground. One is no more, or less, valid than the other. Being in despair is thus being trapped in a conviction, like being under a spell. But a conviction is only that, not reality, no matter how, well, convincing it is. This page presents perspectives on life other than that in which we are currently trapped. These perspectives are not more right than our current one; they’re just different, and as such, they challenge ours. This is then part of the practice of confronting, examining and questioning our beliefs [provide link]. [[[The practice method I present here consists in stepping into other perspectives on life than the one we currently have, the one that gets us down.
These other perspectives may seem to us artificial, untrue, not right, a lie even. But what we’re probably saying is that they are not our well-worn, familiar one. The magic of words is that they can convey thoughts foreign to ours, and we can try them on, as it were, by reading them (aloud) or listening to them.
For example, just for a moment consider the perspective of this speaker:
“This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalm 118.24
(Yes, I said “consider.” Simply put it on like a pair of new glasses and see through them, instead of having a philosophical argument with it. If it’s uncomfortable, simply observe the discomfort. Better yet, investigate what the discomfort is about.)
As mentioned, this is a practice method. And like any practice then, this is to be cultivated by repetitions, like a regular exercise. And just like an exercise, it can sometimes feel arduous and maybe embarrassing. (Remember being in your first yoga class struggling to mold your body into poses when everyone around you seemed to move so gracefully?). The main goal is not to switch side, and think that another perspective is more valid. That would only mean trading one trap for another. The goal is detachment. Not so that we would be like a peaceful meditating Buddha hovering in the sky forever holding a serene slight smile, but so that we may walk through life more steadily, no longer a slave to fickle feelings and thoughts.
The main framework that shaped my worldview and language is Christianity; I do not, however, intend to waste time proselytizing. I think we have a more urgent work to do than joining an organization: a life to keep, a life to live and live well, a life to marvel at. I am no teacher, no doctor, no therapist, no priest, and likely not in a more secure position than you. I am sharing as a fellow sufferer helpful things I have come across and clung to that stay my fall.5 These notes are for me as much as they are for you, for easy access when we are blind under despair’s spell.
A note about suicidality: despair is different from desperation. In reflecting on my thinking as I decided to end my life several years ago, a plan which was obviously aborted, I see that suicide is an act of desperation, not of despair. Planning and committing suicide are actions. Despair does not act. Despair makes one wallow, stand still, unable to make changes. Someone could be well functioning and show up at work every day yet still be in despair about something. Desperation, on the other hand, contains a powerful force that moves us. Suicide has power behind it; it is one’s last attempt to assert control in an uncontrollable, unacceptable situation, to show the Big Universe who is ultimately boss. I say all this with all due respect.
A note on depression: Depression is often part of despair and should be treated multifacetedly, not just with words alone, even when they are words of prayers or those on this page. Other methods may be more effective for different kinds and times of depression: loving touch, movement, the company of loved ones, beautiful nature, medications, etc.
Note: If you are having a suicidal crisis and in the U.S., call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline), for more immediate help.
Also, read “Are You thinking of Killing Yourself?” and find resources here.
- A letter to my younger selfby Anima Pundeer, first published on the TAT Forum: https://tatfoundation.org/tat-forum-archives/forum2020-07.htm#4 Hello anima, I understand that you are at that point in life where any hope of finding happiness ever again seems unlikely. Life has become a burden. Even the slightest ray of ‘hope’ right now feels painful. You just want to disappear forever. Not having… Read more: A letter to my younger self
- Love (III) by George HerbertLove bade me welcome. Yet my soul drew back Guilty of dust and sin. But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack From my first entrance in, Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning, If I lacked any thing. A guest, I answered, worthy to be here: Love said, You shall be he. I the unkind, ungrateful?… Read more: Love (III) by George Herbert
- I Have Happened“The first reason why I am interested in my identity is that I have happened. I have occurred, and I needn’t have occurred. I could have missed the bus of existence. Do you remember all those spermatozoa rushing to the ovum? I won’t go into the biodetails, but I turned out to be “me” on… Read more: I Have Happened
All the posts are here.
- John Wren-Lewis wrote that we “have been entranced from birth into a collective nightmare of separate individuals struggling in an alien universe for survival, satisfaction, and significance.” In “Unblocking a Malfunction in Consciousness” ↩︎
- From the poem “The Laws of God, The Laws of Man” by A.E. Housman (1859-1936) ↩︎
- Alfred Pulyan’s letter addressed to Richard Rose, Aug 27, 1960. https://selfdefinition.org/pulyan/letters/1960-0827-pulyan.htm
Pulyan wrote: “The body dies & is dissipated.
The mind is one with it at all times and is therefore also dissipated.
Nothing of you remains. There is no survival or reincarnation or “immortal soul,” “conscious entity.”
As far as that goes you are the exact equal of a drop of water & have the same possibility! Or an electron. Or a cabbage.
Grim? Not at all, this is the wonderful truth & is the purpose of our work. ↩︎ - Sigmund Freud mentioned this loss of the capacity to love in his essay “Mourning and Melancholia” ↩︎
- “The substance of the Absolute is inwardly like wood or stone, in that it is motionless, and outwardly like the void, in that it is without bounds or obstructions. It is neither subjective nor objective, has no specific location, is formless, and cannot vanish. Those who hasten towards it dare not enter, fearing to hurtle down through the void with nothing to cling to or stay their fall. So they look to the brink and retreat.” – Huang Po (my emphasis) ↩︎ ↩︎