by Anima Pundeer, first published on the TAT Forum: https://tatfoundation.org/tat-forum-archives/forum2020-07.htm#4
Hello anima,
I understand that you are at that point in life where any hope of finding happiness ever again seems unlikely. Life has become a burden. Even the slightest ray of ‘hope’ right now feels painful. You just want to disappear forever. Not having to wake up tomorrow seems like a respite-full idea.
Life happens. You have seen how temporary and impermanent this life-charade is. No matter how much you want any happy experience to continue, it doesn’t. Maybe it is a good thing. Because it means the not so happy moment will also get over at some point. Though painful times always feel much longer, all beginnings have an end.
This acute dissatisfaction, within, which you had thought would go away with this new relationship, job, place, or cool toy, seems to be a state that you can’t get rid of. No matter what you do. It gets harder to distract yourself from this inner void. I know often you think of ending this all for good by simply killing yourself. This will probably be a way of showing Life that you are not a victim. You do not have to tolerate this pain anymore. A few extra pills and then the peaceful sleep forever.
But what if this nightmare does not end. What if, just like everything else, this peaceful, permanent sleep that you so much want right now, is also temporary. You know from experience that there is nothing permanent about this reality. As you understand yourself better, you realize that all this pain and suffering you had thought was coming from outside is really within. Outside is only mirroring inside.
Buddha said that suffering is the essential fire that burns the impurities of the gold for it to become pure. I know right now you can’t appreciate the fact that if you weren’t in this prison of life, you would have no interest in wanting Freedom. Or if this all means anything at all. I know you smirk when you read advice from Ramana to put your baggage down when traveling on a train. Your precious baggage of unmet expectations, punctured projections, unfulfilled desires, unsaid words, hurtful words, humiliations, broken pride. Do you realize you are addicted to your story of suffering? This story is who you are. This is your identity. Expecting you to be able to see that anything could be outside of this prison would not be fair. But you do have the desire to become Free. If you are expecting that the path that you are seriously contemplating to take will lead you to freedom, then, my friend, you may be wrong. Such dying may not be the answer.
I do not know what will happen to you if you decide to sleep tonite, but my suspicion is that the dream, if the dreamer doesn’t Wake up, will continue. And what do you expect the next turn in the dream will be? What I am saying to you, idiot-me, is listen to that tiny inner voice. This might be your opportunity to become Freedom, to become Absolute, to become Love. There is a reason why life is unfolding for you the way it is. What do you feel it is trying to teach you? What is the direction it is making you go?
Now the good news: Hitting rock bottom, if survived, you become serious about really finding the Absolute Answer to ALL your problems. You know that nothing short of the complete Answer can cure you of this pain. The little voice inside is saying that this season will pass also. Thank god impermanence is the nature of this existence. Once that inner decision about what your purpose in life is made, you will realize that universe aligns itself to assist you towards the final end of your journey.
If you are on this forum and reading this, then I assume you know what I am talking about. Characters might be different, but the screenplay is more or less the same. I have found that the mind is an amazing gift that you have been given. Learn to use it wisely or else it can cause unrepairable damage. Don’t become a victim of sheer physiology. Your mind will find the Answer to the Question you ask. What question are you asking?
When all feels dark, just remember Me….
I want to be able to write this letter to you, so don’t deprive me of this opportunity. And please be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle (Plato).
Anima
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~ A friend and fellow-seeker, who had been active in TAT and in the Pittsburgh self-inquiry group in the middle years of the previous decade along with several of us still active in TAT, committed suicide in April. That event prompted Anima Pundeer to write the above letter to any seekers who find themselves contemplating an intentional ending of their life.
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